that BigIrritatting(un)TimelyChickHeretovist

Sometimes... i wish i could crawl in a hole and die.  >.< I am blaming my recent phase of depression on not him, not him not him not sleep not sleep not sleep not rain not rain not rain BUT being a girl. yes, because I am a girl i feel this way. I blaming that woman with the box and the bow and she likes to come once a month to visit. OH YEAH THAT BigIrritating(un)TimelyChickHeretovisit :) *hint look at the capital letters*

OMG OMG <3 For some reason... you just made my day. you trust me. I love it! I just wanna sing! My day was all bleh but as it got later... :) <3 I got happier! My "girlfriend" is amazing ;) Lmao Time to sleep... Sleep will come easy tonight i can feel it

6th Bell

     I left class to go to the bathroom, AKA take a break from class. I left at the lunch bell, not just any old lunch bell. Yours. As I walk down the hall your class is coming out... "Where is he? ... Where is he?... Where?... OH there he is!..." There you were... walking away from me... you turn around and I smile, just for you, and you turn back around and kept walking.
     I hate how bad I wanted to scream your name down the hall. I hate how bad I wanted to run to you. Just to give you a hug, say hi... see your smile...
     I felt as if you were completely ignoring me...but you probably just didn't see me...right? Maybe you did though. Maybe you did see me. Maybe you just threw an invisibility cloak only for your eyes over me and I don't show to you. Maybe I'm just a dinosaur wiped off the face of your life. Extinct. Gone. Gone forever.... but maybe... just maybe... you just didn't see me...
     BUT you looked back! How could you have not seen me?! I SMILED at YOU! If you are were truly "in love" with me then you have had eyes only for me... So, why didn't you see me? Have those eyes gone so fast?

     "Throw dirt on me, grow a wildflower. Fuck the world, get a child out her." "Love! Don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more" "hey hey! you you! I don't like your girlfriend! No way No way! I think you need a new one! Hey heyy! You you! I could be your girlfriend" "It's raining men! Hallelujah!" "jungle boogie wererwerer jungle boogie!" " hey no hey now iko iko un-day"
     Gibberish!! What is the formula for translating English to gibberish? Iay owknay ethay oneay orfay igpay atinlay. :)

Lunch

     Sitting alone at the table. Just watching students walk by. Watching them sit with there friends. Watching them talking, laughing...smiling. Here I sit. Alone. Lunch sucks. My friends come sit at the table. Yet I still feel disconnected and alone. I just can't handle life with out you. It's lonely... You. Friends. Yes you, friends, I need you.

Bus
(typed up all bus ride home on Ipod touch..
yeah talk about emotions spilling from my finger tips)

     You! For some reason i knew this break up would either break your heart or free your soul. I see you smiling, a girl on each arm. Just a few days after. I give you the book, you give me a crappy hug, swiftly say hi, not even in a especially cheery way and off you go. I felt like I was gonna die it was like i was punched in the gut. A straight hit to the heart.  You are way happier single, even happier than me. Happier than, us... Happier than I thought you'd be soo soon. I'm glad you aren't hung up on me. I'm happy that you are full of joy, laughs and smiles when you are around them other wild horses. Gosh my mind is just never happy. I want to be with you (or i think i do...) but i believe I'm better off with out. I really wish I had never started dating in high school it is just a huge distraction that i really don't need, but i cant just quit. A waste of time. It's not like we are capable of comprehending the true meaning of love if there even is a true meaning to the feeling and word love. I just wish i KNEW but I don't know a thing. I saw a quote once and it said " the foolish claim they know everything, but the wise, admit, they know nothing." how does that makes much sense I don't know I'm most definitely not wise. AND if the wise admit they know nothing, then what makes them so wise? I just think too much and I doubt the majority of everything.

I guess by never seeing you around girls before that i could say you changed when you were with me, because you used to have the name "man whore"... Or maybe you just held in the longing to flirt and be around others. or maybe you did... and just hid it. i don't know... I'm thinking too much and its hurting my health its so hard to sleep... i cry till i finally fall asleep around 11:00pm-11:30pm.. i try to go to bed at 10:00pm-10:30pm so what's that? and hour of soaking my pillow by the tears streaming down my cheek. But why? Why am I crying? I'm the one that left... I'm the one that wanted to go... yet i'm hurting more than you seem to be. I'm so confused as to what is wrong with me. it most definitely isn't YOU causing this, it cant be. I should be happier... I know what the problem is. The Rain. Its saddening, it has depressed me to the point where i don't wanna eat sometimes. ahh i just need to get out. get out of here. hang out with a friend... I don't know but I need to get my mind off of being sad because it only helps the water the weeds of sadness in the garden of life. I can hardly focus on school... Ive never been good at homework but i cant ever do my school work right anymore. I need someone to fall onto everyday, someone there to hold me, there to talk to me, there to distract me, there to assure me everything EVERYTHING will be all right. I'm so lost in thought. I wish someone would come save me cause i'm drowning, I'M DROWNING! HELP! :( I'm drowning in thought. It's worse than i thought, I'm more than lost in thought, i'm drowning. suffocating.

Home

BLAH! WTH really? really radio? "There goes my baby"? so i change the station "Id catch a grenade for ya!" OMG :'( **Turns radio off** This girl needs to cheer up. She doesn't even know why she is depressed... but this whole depressed, bitchy mood thing i wanna cry for no gosh damn reason needs to chill the eff out! >.< I just hate feeling down.

The day is done. My body is sore. There is nowhere to run. so I go to bed. For tomorrow there is more. ahead. :) POEM! :D

Ah, relaxed. bed warmer is on duty. about to change into some pjs... **leaves** BACK! :) You know what? yes, you know... this blog post here.. yeah RIGHT HERE... isn't about anything. but i must inform the readers.. Shirts are very unnecessary and its so comfy with out them. i love feeling my hair brush against my back <3 Tomorrow seems like it will be a BUM day... What i noticed is my crappy running shoes i got last year are like magenta... and my white pretty sneakers.. have BRIGHT PINK... so the next sporty shoe... heelys.. :/ Nopes i need tennis shoes i can wear w a blue shirt and not feel like i dont match... why are both my running ones.. PINK?!

Did i yet say how amazing it is to lounge in a bra and shorts? no? oh.. well its pretty dog gone a freaking mazing :)

I don't know why.. but for some reason i feel the need to announce i have to pee... But i dont wanna move... I am very comfy and dont feel like shirts...

Half an hour later... GOSH Dang it feeling didnt go way.. where is that stupid shirt?

found it went pee, brush hair and teeth. i feel so refreshed <3 Time to write in the book. and ahh try to sleep... i need to get some all natural sleep aid... any tips out there? DONT SAY WARM MILK! GROSS!

.... 10:52... How is it possible i'm tired, have been all day because i didnt fall asleep until 11:30pm last night...now im up late again?! I cant think about what i need to. I cant stop thinking. I am blank. i go blank, spaceout. Thoughtless. yet.. full of irrelevant thoughts. ... Right now all I want is to stop thinking and for someone to hold me and cuddle me to sleep every night until i'm finally over whatever illness my brain has. it's like it has the flu. cant focus on school yet I can spaceout and think about anything everything but aftertwards you ask me what i was thinking and i wouldnt really be able to answer you. so maybe i was literally spacing out and not thinking whatso ever? but if you arent thinking to Decartes, you aren't real. "i think therefore i am." I love that quote... dont know why...

Lotsa typos alota messed up everything... Sleep come to bed to night... please? <3

why cant i sleep? why is there so much going on in my head? whhhyy dear lord why. i understand humans think. well most do. but cant i please just for now. i need sleep. i need to have an appetite. this is just crazy. i cant sleep. i cant stop thinking. its like i have no control over my own body anymore. its like.... i might as well not try to control it....

all i do is hurt him. hurt hurt hurt! can i not make anyone happy? i might as well not be here. why does he hold on to me and continue to handle me this fragile glass heart of his. i keep dropping it. he'll glue it back together and give it back to me. how does he do that despite all the pain ive caused him.


i must shut my eyes in pain. suffer my thoughts i'll never get them all down. there is way to much on my mind... goodnight i guess....

Some horses are just glad to be free. They feel released. Un-pressured. Relaxed. Yet. ... It's not good enough. Seeing the owner sad... it kills the horse. but the horse cant go back...she just cant... she has to keep running from that fence... keep running.. run.

Swatting an annoying fly....

Has to pee... like a race horse.

Wild Horse

     I'm a wild horse, He held out an apple to me and I took it, I did more than take it. I followed him home. He became my "owner". He pampered me, loved me, washed me, fed me. Caring for my coat, soft bristles of love stroke me so gently. Yet I suspect of him trying to capture another wild horse and tame her. He has gotten supplies to build a new fence... but... how do I know it's not just for a dog house? Well.. I don't. but I still don't like the fact that he seems to have gotten these supplies slyly without me noticing much.
     I'm in a fence. Safe. Surrounded by this beautiful white picket fence pen. Safe. I'm loved and pampered and cared for, yet scared and restless. I want to run free, but i'm pinned in. I'm stuck. I run in circles getting no where, running from something but to nothing. One question dominates my thoughts. Can I make the jump? The jump to freedom. The jump into the unknown but once familiar land. I long to jump that fence. I want that freedom. I want to run wild like I once was. Time in this fence is great but sometimes the fat that i'm trapped in here bothers me. I want to jump. I want to. My elders recommend I wait and see how the other side dances. The Circlet Tango. I will ask the Other Side to dance. I hope the owner doesn't get hurt. ...
 Dear Lord,
   Please help this horse jump the fence and forget about the ropes, fences and love in a safe haven or, stay and forget the freedom she once had....Dear Lord. Amen

     The horse has made the jump. She couldn't wait and the Other Side's dance.. to far away. She can't wait to see what the other side has in store, she didn't even want to wait to watch and learn about Other Side. She wanted to run. So she jumped. She continues to look back onto her owner who had said to her "Please do go. I don't want you feeling trapped. I really don't want you to go. This hurts so much." She leaves. Looking back not receiving a kiss nor look. *hurt* He lets her walk away, he longs to run to her and hold her, kiss her, beg her not to go, but he feels it best to.. "let something go if you truly love it, and if it is yours it will come back."... she wishes he would give her a hug, hold her tight, and tell her how much he loves her. How bad he wishes she would stay, yet he doesn't even watch her go.
     Friends? I think not. She longs to be in his life forever, but for him things can never go back to what they once were. Tears in her eyes, happy or sad? She has hurt him and loves him so it hurts her, but she does have that long wished for freedom to run not held back.... Off into the unknown she walks. She feels so alone, longs to find other wild horses to be around....

Dear Owner,
Don't cry because it's over, smile, because it happened. Smile and think of all the amazing times we had. Don't be to sad for long. Don't hang on to long. Don't forget me, and please, when you are ready... please do come to me and be my friend.
- Unchained and Running Free

Uncompleted thoughts

Dontcha just love when you have a thought.... that eats at your soul and you just dont know what to do? ... when that thought is so powerful and could knock the four walls of life down on its ass. When you are lost and don't know what to do? When you feel like a horse that came to the person for the apple and followed them home into a pen, now youre tired of being tame. you wanna go back to being that wild horse you are at heart. Yet in the pen is safety and outside is unknown freedom. I wanna continue my thoughts but its late. I have to write in that book. for that boy.... as for the horse she is confused lost and penned in. scared but not. safe yet wanting to encounter a little danger... **still thinking**

Rude Restricted Number

I love how some girl calls me from a restricted number and leaves me a voice mail talking trash. I wear training bras? I have no tits? I have no ass? I have a dick? My boyfriend fucked a 13yr old? He's a child molester? I look like a man? You really want to kick my ass? I'm ugly? I'm a cunt? Someone's gonna kick me? I'm gay? Gay-er than you and you're gay? I can have fun with my ugly boyfriend?? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
You know some classified information. You even called my name out. So apparently I think you're my friend, or maybe I have a "friend" who blabs to everyone my business and talks trash about me. I freaking hate girls so much unwanted drama. You can't trust bitches.

 

Do curl ups till you can't sit up. Roll over and do push ups till you can't lift yourself up, then roll over and start some more curl ups till you can't sit up. Roll over and do push ups till you can't lift yourself up, then roll over and repeat over and over and over till you can't. Then try again tomorrow. Don't even count. Numbers mean nothing just go... go until you can't.... 

When he isn't here...

     When he isn't around or talking to me, I think of him. I know how "Crazy in Love" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsLfIyyTlRc&feature=related) he is with me. I texted him. I guess he doesn't have his phone, cause if he did I know he'd respond. He always tells me how hard it is to not talk to me. I sent him a text no response, okay, nothing really to say to what I sent. So, I send one saying I love him and asking him a question... no response... I type up a text "Baby if you have your phone text me?" I was thinking "If you have your phone, baby please text me I need someone to talk to...I need you to talk to." but I don't wanna sound crazy or hurt. I ended up deleting it, it was never sent... why? because I don't wanna text him 5 billion (really just 3) times with out a response and seem obsessive.
     So, because I missed him I went on his profile, ya know leave him a sweet status. 2 Notifications, hmm whats my boy been up to? Someone commented on this chicks picture after he had, cool what pic? **clicks** Oh wow she is pretty look at that flat tummy! **Scrolls down to the comments** "Wow you look so damn sexy I can't keep my eyes off of you!!" Nice comment... and picture girl is GLAD he can't keep his eyes off of her...just as he was talking about some other girl and her rock hard abs, how she does 300 curl ups because she can, how he has a crush on her, I find this. **sigh** 
     I'm sorry I am not as good looking or sexy as these other girls. He just can't keep your eyes off of them? Gosh, guys are such dogs. He frustrates me. I don't know if he says this stuff because it's true and it's what he thinks or if he says it just to get revenge on me for something I did wrong. Like commenting on a guy's picture saying "sexy abs can't stop looking hehe" or because I have a little crush on a guy. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I don't have a flat tummy he can't stop looking at because it's just "so damn sexy". 
     I should start watching what I eat. Stop drinking soda unless I'm out, which I don't do too much. Pb&J and water for lunch from now on or soup and water. I should run more. Hmm 300 curl-ups every day. Eat one plate of dinner, stop going back for seconds go for a walk right after dinner, ya know burn them calories. I should flat iron my hair everyday for him, and put on mascara and eye liner, so that i'm "so damn sexy" he can't keep his eyes off me. 
     He even comments "very cute pic. its and you are just too beautiful" on a girl's pic that he said he used to like. She is very pretty. I look at her and go hmm, what can I do to be more like her? Wall post says he likes some chick's body and personality, gosh sounds pretty damn perfect to me.
     I just have to keep my head up high.... I'm his girl, and they aren't....but why aren't they? Do they not like him like that? Has he not enough guts to ask them out because he has a crush, her abs are rock hard, she is "so damn sexy", or she is just "too beautiful"? I wish I could stop thinking like that... I get jealous, but I don't try to get revenge on him when he does something, just so he knows how I feel. I do things because that's what I wanted/want to do at the time. I don't do things just to hurt him, or make him feel bad. 
     "It's a natural feeling...especially when you care about someone. As long as it doesn't become psychotic, then I think it's perfectly healthy." "if I am out doing something and my man sees me talking with another man....I think if he's not even just a lil jealous...then maybe he doesn't care about me that much. Jealousy can be an evil emotion and sometimes it borderlines on stupidity and a true feeling...there is a line that needs to be drawn. Because if the other person is giving you THAT much reason to be jealous over...obviously they don't have your best interest at heart." So, I found these comments from a mom, older people know so much. I want to take that in mind when I get jealous and hate that I feel that way, or he gets jealous, It only means he cares, right?
     I wish I could be perfect. So damn perfect that no one compares, that when he sees other girls he thinks "haha mine is so much better" So damn perfect that he can't keep his eyes off me, then he wouldn't be able to not keep his eyes off of other girls, cause he'd be looking at or thinking about his girl, and how amazing she. If only I was perfect.