Oct. 23, 2010

Me (2:11:03 AM): what's up?
Him (2:11:19 AM): go to sleep!
Him (2:11:23 AM): :/
Me (2:11:30 AM): after you tell me why you looked so blah!
Me (2:11:38 AM): whats wrong?
Him (2:11:53 AM): nothing
Me (2:12:14 AM): you swear on our relationship that nothing is bothering you?
Him (2:12:45 AM): you cant do that
Me (2:12:51 AM): i cant do what?
Him (2:12:58 AM): i gotta do dishes...
Me (2:13:18 AM): is that wht was bothering you or are you not gonna tell me? ;/
Him (2:13:37 AM): i wannaSEE YOU!
Me (2:13:50 AM): is that what is bothering you?
Him (2:14:01 AM): YES
Me (2:14:12 AM): you wanna hang out this weekend?
Him (2:15:39 AM): nhhh
Me (2:16:09 AM): ?
Him (2:16:15 AM): GOODNIGHT!
Me (2:16:27 AM): Hmpf. goodnight (his name).
Me (2:16:32 AM): <3
Him (2:16:55 AM): FALLIN ASLEEP AGAIN!
Me (2:17:16 AM): I wasnt! i was trying to figure out nhhh
Him (2:17:52 AM): IT MEANS no
Me (2:18:05 AM): you dont wanna hang out this weekend?
Him (2:18:20 AM): cuz you dont want to
Me (2:18:32 AM): i dont? when did i say that?
Him (2:18:55 AM): im sure your tired and done with me
Me (2:19:15 AM): what do you mean? (His name) im confused....
Him (2:19:36 AM): arent you done with me
Me (2:19:46 AM): what do you mean?
Him (2:20:23 AM): you dont wanna be with me?
Me (2:21:00 AM): what do you mean i dont wanna be with you? like physically or in a relationship?
Me (2:21:24 AM): Cause i most deff want to be with you in both ways.
Me (2:27:00 AM): (his name)?
Him (2:28:54 AM): babe im sorry
Me (2:29:15 AM): for what? whats wrong? :(
Him (2:29:27 AM): everything.
Him (2:29:44 AM): forbeing tha asshole i am
Him (2:29:53 AM): flirting cheted
Him (2:30:01 AM): bad grades
Him (2:30:06 AM): smoked
Him (2:30:09 AM): drink
Him (2:30:27 AM): im sorry for everyhting
Me (2:30:31 AM): but you havent smoked or drank in a while.
Him (2:30:37 AM): i think too much also
Him (2:30:58 AM): i think your too good for me
Me (2:31:25 AM): You think that i dont want to be with you? like in a relationship? :(
Him (2:31:38 AM): do you?
Him (2:31:45 AM): if so explain why
Me (2:32:18 AM): Yes, because i love you, and i care for you alot!
Him (2:33:52 AM): i love you
Him (2:34:02 AM): just been thinking alot
Me (2:34:14 AM): I love you too. What are you thinking
Him (2:34:22 AM): love
Him (2:34:26 AM): drugs
Him (2:34:36 AM): how im an asshole
Him (2:34:41 AM): cheating
Him (2:34:47 AM): everything!
Me (2:35:36 AM): I love you (His name). Do you doubt that?
Him (2:35:47 AM): no babe i dont
Me (2:36:19 AM): Then why the hell woundnt i want to be in a relationship with you?
Him (2:36:28 AM): do you wanna just leave?
Him (2:36:37 AM): forget about me
Him (2:36:41 AM): im garbage
Him (2:36:51 AM): you desevre gold
Me (2:36:56 AM): :'( stop (his name)
Him (2:37:15 AM): stop what?
Him (2:37:26 AM): this is the question game
Me (2:39:28 AM): Why do you think like that? I could never forget you. I don't ever want to just leave, boy i'm yours. I left a guy with out really giving him a chance. You aren't garbage! Do you think like this all the time and just not express it?
Him (2:39:53 AM): no..
Me (2:40:00 AM): no what.
Him (2:40:26 AM): i dont think like this all the time
Him (2:40:42 AM): hoover? (my nickname lol)
Me (2:40:53 AM): then why now? what made you think...yes?
Him (2:41:10 AM): stay mine
Him (2:41:16 AM): only if you want
Me (2:41:36 AM): I am yours! I want to be your girl.
Him (2:41:48 AM): mr. lumberjack (his nickname haha) wants you!
Me (2:41:58 AM): haha
Him (2:42:18 AM):  so your not leaving me?
Me (2:42:56 AM): Why would you think that (His name)? Of course i'm not leaving you!
Him (2:43:16 AM): yay!
Him (2:43:39 AM): if you want i understand im a flirt and i cant control it
Me (2:44:33 AM): the way you said that makes it seem like you .... You dont want me to. I know that. (His name) i love you.
Him (2:45:04 AM): i dont want you to
Me (2:45:43 AM): you dont want me to what?
Him(2:45:50 AM): i want you to be mine forever'
Him (2:45:58 AM): leave me.
Me (2:46:32 AM): You want me forever?
Him (2:47:27 AM): yes
Him (2:47:56 AM): i gotta do dishes m be home soon
Me (2:48:00 AM): forever is a long time <3
Him (2:48:03 AM): i love you
Me (2:48:06 AM): Haha i love you too.
Him (2:48:14 AM): good night babe
Him (2:48:17 AM): gf
Me (2:48:21 AM): goodnight. please dont think to much
Him (2:48:25 AM): muah!
Me (2:48:30 AM): Muuaahh!
Me (2:48:39 AM): all my kisses are for you.
Him (2:49:14 AM): night my love
Me (2:49:22 AM): :) night


....


....


WELL... first off, a little advice I've heard, and like, and agree with, "You cannot love until you first love yourself." Meaning you like you. You don't think you are worthless, you have some sort of self-esteem.

I can't believe I didn't see you twisting my emotions. I have to get ALL of this out of my system. I can look back now and I can tell how much I've grown from you. You don't understand, you made me cry more than ever, most of the time I never let you know, because I feel weak.

September 19th 2010 3:44pm-8:04pm with some phone calls

Of course i will be i may be PISSED OFF and HURT as that tree i stabbed about a million times, but i love you, AND Reeeeeeaaally dont wanna leave you... ever

Okay im glad and were still gonna stay together right

we are together at the moment yes.

And your not gonna leave me because of this?

I honestly don't know.

-_- im sorry

I know this.

I LOVE YOU!

you dont wanna leave me then dont.

I didnt wanna leave (Ex-boyfriend 1). and i met you. i thought you were the bee's knees

Whats (Ex-boyfriend 1) gotta do with this

For all i know i could leave you and find someone and think there the bee's knees. It wasnt about him but about the situation

Oh okay thanks for comparing me to him.

I wanted you to see how i am looking at this

Well cheat on me and ill see

I cant. i love you. and i dont want to cheat on you.

Babe just tell me are you thinking about leaving me?

yes im thinking about it. and why would i punish myself by leaving you? it would hurt me to leave you i dont want to

Then please dont im begging you.
ill do anything

Babe i cant live without you and just the thought of you leaving me makes me wanna hurt myself

(HIS NAME) Do not hurt yourself

Baby i will do ANYTHING to keep you what must i do to make you know that i wont do it again. I told you cuz i felt bad and i dont want to do it again. Ill prove it by not talking to any female at all anymore except fam. Your the only girl i need in my life.

(His name) thats unhealthy. talk to people.

I will just not females

Talk to all of your friend just control yourself

Ill only talk to two girls...you and dee

And shes gay so you have nothing to worry about

(His name). dont ignore your friends.

They arent real friends dee is my only real friend and sometimes i even doubt her

.... (His name). please dont.

Well i already deleteall female non fam conacts from my fone.

babe please just stay with me. I love you!

please?

You dont want babies i can get nutered so youll know i wont have sex ever again.

What's to say you won't do it again?! I am not leaving you today or tomorrow I'm not thinking about making it a plan.

Ill get nutered thats what.

I love you too. dont neuter yourself or stop talking to girls

Stay with me?

(His name). I am not punishing myself by leaving you.

Thank you baby.

i am so sorry!

so sorry that my eyes are all cried out

... i still dont know what to say to you. i just dont wanna stop talking to you.

Damn there isnt anything i can do is there.
the only thing i can do is give you my life huh?

how would you give me your life? (His name). I love you im not going anywhere.

Jump off a building or something

(His name). please do NOT hurt yourself. that will only hurt me more.

How else can i make this better then?

Be there for me, dont do it again. just control yourself?

Okay

(His name). I love you.

(My name) im so sorry and i love you too!

... i wanna ask you something... things...

Okay and i promise to answer them honestly

What would you do if she got pregnant or her rents figure out? What on earth did you guys do? right there on the couch or something?

Well if she got preg. Unfortuantely id have to be there for the baby and she wasnt a virgin so i doubt theyd find out and what we did was sex and yes on the couch. Thats the main reason dad is mad cuz it was with my younger sister in the room

... just wow. hun.

Baby you dont know how horrible i feel.
i just feel like taking a dart and cutting my legs...
then you wont be able to see it.

(His name). Please dont

I want to thats how depressed the guilt is making me i wanna stab my arm till the blood drips off my fingers

(HIS NAME) I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU HURT YOURSELF I WILL BE REALLY MAD!

I wont i just want to thats how guilty i feel and if you dont see that i will show you.

dont hurt yourself.

Well if its the only way i can show you how guilty i feel then so be it.

(HIS NAME) DO NOT DO IT! >.<

Well do you know how bad i feel

I will never but i know that you feel really bad. i will never feel what you feel.

Baby im sorry and i know after last night you probally doubt me saying this but i love you with all my heart. I love you so much and you know that and i just hope your not doubting that any. Every word i say to you i mean. When i tell you i regret doing it i mean it and not just because it sucked. But because it was wrong. I will never think with my penis ever again. Ill think with my brain and heart. You mean more then the world to me and i dont wanna lose you ever. I love you and i hope you forgive me soon. And i hope everything goes back to normal soon. Im sorry and i hope you believe me cuz i dont wanna make you mad by hurtng myself and im not going to but just know i love you and im so so very super sorry.

I know you are sorry and i know any person in their right mind would break up with you in a heartbeat. but as my key chain says im insane ^__^ I am not gonna leave you but beware ima make you NEVER FORGET this EVER! 

...

...

...

I look at this and I can see you on your knees begging me not to go. I can see the tricks you play, the way you twist and toy with my emotions. Can't you see it know? Look back. Now that our minds our clean, we've moved on, we have new significant others. and I am 100% over you, I don't want you back, I do cry thinking about you, but its not you i'm crying for, its how happy I was, all the fun I had, the good times, and how they are history. I don't cry over you. I cry over my lost source of happy, it's simply like milk. You were amazing for me, then went sour. I don't regret anything. 

The beginning... old feelings

ok, so at first i didnt know you, you were just some weird guy insisting i should take his hoodie because i was cold...but i thought about you for days afterward,

and on and off since then....then on the mats i thought you seemed interesting and maybe familiar....I liked the way you flirted and you seemed to be a really fun guy...

you kinda weirded me out by asking to make out and saying stuff like you look like you could use some tongue action? but when you kissed me it was even more wierd....i had

never had a guys tongue touch my lips...i thought about that kiss for a while and i get on facebook alot, so i looked for the friend request.....when you saw me in the hallway is when i

really started to like you, you had asked if i remembered you and you seemed so friendly and i dont know what draws me towards you....But i really liked you, not quiet date like

till we started talking, and stuff.....

Well i think about the kiss alot, and it flatters me. We started talking on facebook and when you told me to add your other account so we could continue to talk, i was just like wow

he might actually like like me. and when you asked to talk on the phone, i really liked it. I like your voice and you stayed up so long with me, and we talked and talked,

and we talked like night after night, and i just started to like you more, i wanted to hang out with you. When i figured out you were the hoodie guy i liked you even more.

and i like Filipinos, that dark complexion that isnt like really really dark. You take charge, yet when i said no, it meant no to you. and you have a sense of humor. in the theater

i just wanted to scoot as close as i could to the arm rest and lean my head on your shoulder, or kiss you when we were on your bed, and in the car on the way home, and at my

door step when you dropped me off. I dont know how to describe holding hands with you, but i love it. and it feels so good so i called it hand sex haha I get butterflies with

you and i get goosebumps/butterflies when i think about being with you. I just wanna be in your arms or holding your hand. You are so nice and sweet. You opened all the doors

and held them too, you remembered that i think guys in button ups are snazzy, and i like my neck to be messed with. You are a really cool guy, and SWEET! I hope this 

relationship last WAY longer than the others put together. Im drawn to you, like a moth to a light, or Winne the Pooh is to honey. I think i might love you :)

Rereading this makes me think "how naive of me." makes me think "i'm stronger now" makes me think "eww puppy love" ... Puppies grow up into dogs, and my dog love for you died.

Wake me up in the morning 1/4/11

Waking up is so much easier with you. I have something to look forward to everyday. Those cute days were I'm woken up but your gentle kiss, or by a drowsy phone call because you woke up 45 min. early just to be my wake up call. I love when the 1st thing in the day... is you. <3

HEY I know you know I'm talking to you and when you read all the old stuff I'm about to post, I know you'll know. This is old convo, and words I've never said to you. Feelings I hid. Now you can truly know how long I've put up with you, TRYING to make that damn relationship work.

Yours 12/24/10

Cherish me
like I'm the only girl you'll ever have
Love me
like I'm the best girl in the world
Look at me
like I'm the most attractive girl on Earth
Kiss me
like it's the last time
Be loyal
like Cody :'(

I'm yours
all yours
me, you shouldn't have to share
Be mine
all mine
you I shouldn't have to share

Though I shared Cody. He was the best relationship in the whole world. A girl and her dog. I loved him.

If you blog it, I might see it. <3

I can't fucking sleep when I am crying.
IT HURTS!
PLEASE STOP!
:'(
I hate saying it but,
Leave.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm7y5BjJcwU

I can't sleep i'm thinking of him....

Is he up?
I shouldn't care. >.<
I need to get him out of my, head.
He wonders why I keep busy.
It's so I have no done time to think of him.
But went I lay to sleep..
I can't...

I've taken your number out of my phone
but
then I put it back
"Do Not Answer The Phone"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GVosqlARoA&feature=BFp&list=WL8B1440E4EB2CF2D8&index=1

I'm gonna be okay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnMP1oqPTto&NR=1

You told me to stop talking to you, honestly it the best thing for us.

I can’t take the pain of being your friend when you love me so.

YOU said lets stop talking, you agreed to it and you told me I was making you cave.

I’m strong, we decided not to talk, so I will not cave.

I want you to know, it is killing me on the inside,

not talking to you and knowing you are hurting.

I want to be there for you but you seem to hurt me.

When you don’t talk to me,

for the most part I’m fine, until something reminds me of you,

but I just tell myself, “I’m strong, I don’t need him.

He can’t handle just friends, he wants more.

He wants me to be his because He loves me.”

but baby if you loved me,

if you cared about how I feel,

how i’ve cried myself to sleep the past two nights,

how much you make me hurt as you beg on your knees,

begging for me to talk to you.

If you really cared, really loved me,

you would leave me alone,

after all you were the one to say YOU couldn’t handle the pain

the pain I caused you.

Well get off your knees, it’s pathetic,

I love you, and you are probably hurting your knees on that cold, hard gravel,

Get up, dust off, and love again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrB5pUCV-qI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRgp1QqOWl4

All I seem to do here, is reblog from tumblr...

If he even checks up on me anymore...

This is for you.

I love you.

I do.

But please.

PLEASE.

Stop texting me.

Stop calling me.

We can't be friends,

I've tried, 

and all you do is fall

fall for me again...

or maybe you never got up

get up and dust yourself off please.

I can't take it anymore

I'm going to break

Leave me alone

I'm so so sorry, but

it has to be this way.

and just so you know.

It worked.

That text you sent me;

"I might have erased your texts,

but I will never forget what you wrote.

I might have unfriended you,

but I will never forget your pictures.

We might have stopped talking,

but I will never forget your voice.

We might have ignored each other,

but I will never forget your face.

We might have stopped hugging,

but I will never forget your smell.

Everything we did,

I will never forget. :/ "

I cried, while reading it,

as I was driving, with my grandmother.

I read it out loud.

Lump in my throat the size of a peach

as 3 tears trickle down my face.

One for the good times we had,

one for the bad times we've been through,

and the last is that, I hope i'm strong enough

Strong enough to stand up,

be happy, and find someone to call mine.

Then maybe when we are both happy in a relationship

NOT with Each other

Only then might we try to be friends once more.

How will we know if the other is in a relationship, and happy you ask?

We don't.

The phone... Rings... It's you.

I hold it in my hands,

Buzzzzz, buzzzzz, buzzzz,

until it stops ringing

you leave a voicemail

saying you're sorry for everything

you miss me

and you love me

I cried my eyes out.

Thanks.

I'm sick to my stomach.

I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing,

ignoring you, kicking you out of my life

but honestly when you leave me alone,

I'm happy.

You cross my mind from time to time,

but in the end I think, I'm better off without.

...

...

...

This was for my other blog, but I'm tired of hiding my feelings, so if you find this you do. If you don't, well i guess you dont. You'll find my other blog very easily... I've been quite careless, 

I can't stop thinking...
about him...
I don't want to talk to him
because there will be issues
but I do
I do want to talk to him
I love him,
not the same way he does me
but I do
I do
I do,
I love him.
BUT
friends, family, and head all agree
leave the boy alone,
don't speak to him
NO contact...
however my heart...
Is like a stupid dog
wanting to run towards danger
trying to chase a car
but my head, my logic
is like the owner,
holding the dogs leash
trying so hard to protect
who doesn't know they need protected.

Woke up this morning thinking about Apple. His arms around my while we spoon. Then thought of Cherry. I miss Cherry. I want Cherry. I kept thinking about the amazing times we had. Oh Cherry ;)

I Still Love you. 

Sometimes you make it so hard to be just friends, sometimes I want to be nothing because you make me cry so much but, I care too damn much to leave, I don't know what I'd do with out you. 

Just for him... If he even cares to check up on the Blog anymore.

JEALOUS. I hate it. I don’t want to date him but I hate that he is happy and flirty with the girls and calls one of them his “fiancée”. Why do I hate that he is so good with the girls? He has always been good with the girls even when he had a girlfriend. AH! Ouch holy shit~ Why did that hurt? He went offline, with out a hello. :’( 

Why the hell do I miss this guy? He hurt me. I shouldn’t care… But I do. I care about him. 

Posted 5 seconds ago

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Im online… I wonder if he will IM me, maybe explain where the hecks he has been… Should I write on his wall? No… Just be bored and take some stupid “personal questions” quiz lol 

Posted 13 minutes ago

He talks about her all the time. She loves when he holds her hand. She is 20-22 and he is 18. She has had a boyfriend for the past 3 years and he just had his heart broken. She is beautiful. He is a cutie. She likes him, he likes her. She has a boyfriend. She has a 3yr long relationship. He has a girl who says she is over him but gets kinda jealous when he is with other girls. Then this girl simply tells herself he has been like that the whole time she was dating him, he is and always will be a little man whore, player, flirt, home wrecker and cheater… But she still cares. She may not want him, but she also doesn’t want anyone else to have him.

Posted 17 hours ago

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Abandoned

Abandoned this blog is.
No one loves it,
but forever it will remain for the memories.
The memories I typed out.
The thoughts that spill from my fingers.
The love I feel.
The sad days I have.
The wide array of emotions,
that I express.
No longer very anonymous here,
I run.
Run to something else,
perhaps a journal?
Or a new blog.

.....

Posted thought I should state. I don't need you Bloggie. I used to love you, but now I have a new love. Tumblr <3

From April 19th on the other blog :)

This Morning…

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Wide awake. Talked to my bestfriends Green-Eyes & Jazzy till they fell asleep/went to sleep. Then I talk to my other friends, one of which brought up the idea of coming over, sitting outside my house, and (him) playing the guitar…. at 2am. So, I waited till my father left… waited…. waited… GO! :D Sat out there for a good hour catching up. I had’nt seen him in a MONTH. It felt so nice outside. Crickets chirping, guitar being strummed with grace, but I’m sketch, or better way to say it, I make things sketch. I got nervous every time a car went by. I should have been, cause at 3am, here comes Daddy… He has never met my friend… So he met him on the worst terms, his baby girl was awake past bedtime, snuck out, and was with a boy who looked very mature for his age. My friend did a very good thing though :) he got off the tail of the truck and shook my fathers hand. Dad told me to go to bed… I hugged my friend goodbye. He looked like a puppy who’d just been yelled at. aww :(

I laid in bed…

blah I was still wide awake…

**sigh**

Laying in bed,

I was thinking.

….

….

…..

Shit.

shit.

Shit.

shhheeeeeeeetttt.

….

….

….

What is he gonna do to me?

….

…

….

Where is he?

…

….

…..

What is he gonna say?

….

….

….

Is he coming into my room to talk to me?

….

….

….

What will my punishment be?

…

…

…

Why’d he have to ruin a good thing?

…

…

…

I was having fun!

….

…..

….

It was so relaxing

….

….

….

Peaceful

…

…

…

Now how can I do that again and not get caught ;)